The following is a note of the journey that brought me back to GOD. I shared this note with some friends and family during the week of Thanksgiving. Some of you at the Bridge have heard part of my story and this note delves a little deeper into what brought me back to Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I am so thankful to GOD for the Love and Grace that HE has given me!

11-26-08
My life over the past year and a half has seen so many changes and have faced so many challenges that I would have not even dreamed of 18 months ago.
During the spring of 07 Sandy, my wife, and I were enjoying the newest addition to our family and our 3rd daughter Kaelana. She was born a few months earlier on Feb. 26th. I was running a showroom for an iron door manufacturer that catered to luxury home builders and all those rich folks. During my time with this company I saw how they ran their business with very few employees working out of my showroom. I started thinking that I could run my own shop and bring in the same amount of business.

When summer came around I decided to teach myself how to weld and spent more time with the crews on installs so I could improve my knowledge of the installation of these products. At that time I was actively recruiting some of my current installers to work for me at the new start up company.

Now I had to get some projects so I could fulfill my dream of owning my business. I targeted 2 projects that I had been working on for my current employer. These jobs would provide me with the start up capital to get my new business going. I also knew that these 2 projects would be great high profile jobs that I can use as a springboard for marketing my business and landing new work.

I had figured that if I landed at least one of these projects that it would be enough work to get my company off the ground. I had always been able to sell large projects but these were for established companies but now I had to do it for a company that was only a concept a few months earlier. I invested a lot of time and some money during the Fall of 2007 to try to land these jobs, then it happened. I landed a job to reproduce a door that was built in 1929 for Historical building in Long Beach. Needless to say I was excited and proud that I was able to land this project.

Shortly after that I got word that we landed the 2nd project that I targeted to start my company. The beginning of my company started off perfectly and I could not believe how lucky I was to get both of these jobs. I felt so honored and thankful to the 2 decision makers that awarded me and my company this work that I would be forever indebted to them and there was no way I would let them down since I would do anything to ensure their jobs were done perfectly.

Now it was time to get to work.

During this process I told my wife that I was going to have to work some long hours and this was the sacrifice that I needed to make for starting this business and ensuring that it was successful. Since I started this business so I could provide a better life for my family we agreed that this is what I had to do. We were both so excited that this dream that I had was finally coming to fruition and we were amazed that we were able to land both of the projects that I had targeted.

At the end of January we finally get the green light to get started on the Long Beach job and the first part was replacing some existing doors and this went extremely smooth and I was surprised at the results. Everything was going better than expected and I still had not received the deposit on the 2nd project that I had targeted.

We had finished up most of the installation for the 2 replacement doors in Long Beach and were getting ready to start the install and fabrication of the main entry door, but we had some delays due to some design changes by the owners and this set us back several weeks. I did not really worry about since we were OK with the funds from the first deposit for this job and to top if off I was already in negotiations with a developer in Dana Point to do all his stainless steel railings and some gates. This thing was turning out better than I had hoped!

This is when everything started to go downhill…..My Long Beach job was starting to take way too long to complete. I made some horrible decisions with some change orders, but I thought I could pull it out because the completion seemed to be so close and the next project was just around the corner. As I spent all the funds from the first deposit to cover my expenses I had to use personal credit and funds to keeps this going. I had jobs to do and clients were going to give me money so there was no way I could fail with this.

Well I was very wrong about that and I was wrong about what I thought being a good husband and father was. During this period of trying to run my own business I thought that the time I had to take away from my family was the sacrifice I had to make to be successful as a business owner. Again I was wrong.

My wife and I could hardly talk to each other and I was spending so little time with my daughters it was obviously effecting our family, but I tried to justify this as a sacrifice I had to make to take care of them later when my business was successful and I could buy them everything they needed. Through this period my wife and I had some horrible fights and thought about breaking up numerous times. I was a mean SOB and I was numb to what I was doing to her and my kids. Again I justified my actions to myself because I was working 10 to 12 hours days 6 days a week so I could provide a better future for my family.

Needless to say my horrible decisions as husband and father coupled with the fact that I was running my business into the ground started to take its toll on me. I was running out of funds to finish my jobs and I had barely enough to take care of my family……I was slowly but surely learning that I was becoming a failure as a husband, father and business owner. As the weeks passed I just started feeling more and more lost and I had no solutions for the problems that I had created.

Most of you who know me, especially those who have known me over the past few years, know that I am a proud man and very optimistic. I really thought I could accomplish anything by myself and I really convinced myself that this was true.

Well I had now shown myself that I was wrong once again. As I saw my life spiral downwards rapidly I would break down daily and cry and wonder what I had done and if I could salvage my life and my business. This went on for about a month.

When I turned to my wife and tried to talk out what we had to do all I could was get angry with her and yell and make things worse. We could not seem to agree on anything so it was no use to even talk anymore. We both had some much resentment toward each other it was hard to look at one another.

I always believed in God, so I thought we should start going to church and pray for God's help and we did. I went to church as a kid and even went a few times with my wife at her request over the past few years. I just figured if I was a good man and worked hard that was going to be enough to please the guy up above.

Things continued as they were and nothing change one bit. I still could not talk to my wife, my children saw a broken man in their father and I knew I could not provide for my family with the business that I had started.

I had a little over $500,000 in accidental life insurance and at the time I was riding a street bike so I could save on gas. Since I really saw no way out of the hole I was in-I could not talk to my wife, I had no money, I owed money to everyone-I thought that ending it was the only way out. I had the perfect place up in Trabuco Canyon where I could plow me and this bike into a tree at 100mph+ and no one else would get hurt. To me it was the perfect plan. It would look like an accident and my family would have enough money to pay off my debts and live on for a while.

The Friday (9/5/08) when I was going to have a meeting with that tree my wife asked me if I wanted to go see the pastor of our church. We had talked about going to counseling for some time, but since we had no money we put it off. Since the pastor would meet with us for free there was no reason to say no. I met our pastor a few times and I knew he was a young charismatic kid who spoke well and gave a good sermon. I couldn't tell you what his sermons were about but he seemed like he was good at what he did.

My wife and still were able to get into a fight before and on the way to the church to meet with our pastor-We could not even look at each other when were waiting for him and we could not even sit or stand in the same area. The tension between us was unbearable.

When our meeting started he just let Sandy and I talk about what was going on. Sandy shared what she was feeling and going through and so did I. One thing I did differently was I decided to be completely honest about who I was and what I was thinking. Like I said earlier, I have always, at as an adult, been overly optimistic (Must be the salesman in me) and even when things were going good I would fool myself into thinking they were and I would tell anyone who would listen that this was the case. I had also taught myself that I could bare all the world's burdens by myself and never really asked for help from friends or family because I felt I could do it all by myself…….I was soooo wrong. Here I was pouring out my heart and my soul to a basic stranger who happened to be our young pastor and I did not know why, but I had to. I was crying and sobbing like one of my little daughters. I was never one to cry in front of anyone. I was raised like most of us as the non-crying macho male. Through our meeting with our pastor I found out that the burdens of this world and of my family are not mine to bear alone. I had help and He was there to help me.

I really hated dealing with anyone who was not an immediate family member or an old drinking buddy. I was also worried about how people saw me and was very worried about my self image. Unfortunately since I was a sales guy so I had to deal with lot of folks I did not really like. I was also worried about how people saw me and was very worried about my self image. I realized that I was jealous of the success many of my friends had and I started this business because I thought it would get me to their level of success. I realized that I started this business for me and to make myself feel like a success….I was wrong again.

During this session with my pastor my heart was softened and the burdens were lifted. I could feel new life in my heart and my spirit that was so empty only moments before was being filled. That feeling was and is indescribable and I can't believe that I am writing about it. Sandy and I ruined our pastors supply of tissues and I was wondering what had happened to me. It was a feeling that I never dreamed of even having and I have had a lot of feelings during my 40 years on this earth. As we ended our pastor prayed over us and we all hugged and thanked him for helping us through this very rough time. Sandy and I had a peace between us that we never had before.

It was not until a few days later that I realized that I had accepted Christ Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I asked myself is that what Born Again means. I had always looked down on those who proclaimed themselves to be Born Again or Believers. I was actually easily offended by these people even though I thought I was a Christian. I thought maybe I was just doing this so I could network with some of these church folk so I could find a job or some other opportunity. I was now actually one of them.

Since that Friday meeting with our pastor, Sandy and I have never been happier in our relationship, we are not perfect and we still fight, but we know He has put us together for a reason and it our job to figure it out with His Guidance. As our relationship gets stronger so does our relationship with our daughters.

I would have never seen myself going to a "Men's BBQ" at the church, but I did go and want to plan the next one. I never thought I would blow off a Raider game for church, but I do. I know I can hear all your Raider jokes-So keep your jokes to yourself. I have even gone to "How to Pray" series at the church and it is one of the best things I have ever done in my life.

I so look forward to getting to know God better everyday and I know He will guide me to do what needs to be done for myself and my family. He has changed my outlook on this world and I no longer hate everyone. I don't even have ROAD RAGE anymore…And you don't think God exists or performs miracles! Those of you that knew my political views will be a little surprised at some of my new views. I am still a conservative, but I don't hate all those evil democrats like I used to. I even have a different take on the death penalty.

So much has changed for me and it is all for the good. I know some will think that I have succumbed to religion because I failed as a business owner and almost failed as a husband and father, but that is OK if you would like to talk to be about it I would love to!. I have not become as a RELIGIOUS man, but a spiritual man who has been blessed to have received Christ Jesus as my Lord and Savior at the exact right time. I have not turned into a Bible Thumper and I am here to judge you or how you live your life. That is not for me to do. If you want to hear more about my journey I am more than willing to share. I think I am same decent guy (or maybe I wasn't that decent to you. I will be now!) that you have known over the past few years or even from many years ago. Only now I am a decent man because of the Grace of God, not of my own doing.

Needless to say I have so much to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving and it is all because of Him! We have also been blessed to receive generous help from my brothers Jamie and Dave, my sister in law, Sujan Beck and her husband Young, Sandy's cousins Judy Ko & Harry & Patty Ko, my cousins, Jaye and Dee Castro and my dear friend Ed Sigenfuse. Thanks to all of you!

Thanks to God for bringing Pastor Ryan Oddo into my family's life. The timing was perfect!

If you read through this entire note thank you! I hope you and your family have a great Thanksgiving and God Bless.

Lots of Love!

Eugene B


p.s. Please don't think of this note as cry for help because He has already answered my cry and His answer was very very loud!